Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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