It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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