wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
