Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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