I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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