Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
