He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I believe in your delicious
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