I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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