i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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