he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
