just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
