You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
