i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
