the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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