The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
