Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
