I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
