Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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