I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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