I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
