I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
