im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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