apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
