If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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