if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
