Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
