It's Friday. Sex?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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