I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
