I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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