you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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