Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
