Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
