oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
