my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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