I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
