You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
