did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
