wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
