what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
