I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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