Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
