Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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