I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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