sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
