Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
