woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
