some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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