Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
tell me about the fingering
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