You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
