Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
